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Saturday, December 09, 2006

More Martian Jokes

MARTIAN ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Martian were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
first on the moon!" The Martian said, "So what? We're going to be the
first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other
and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll
burn up!" said the Russian.To which the Martian replied, "We're not
stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A martian was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it
on or off?"

FINALLY, THE MARTIAN JOKE TO END ALL MARTIAN JOKES!
A girl was visiting her martian friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The martian responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooo......," answered the martian. "They're watch dogs"

Two Martians

Two martians living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. One martian says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?" The other martian turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"

Martian at the doctor's office

A gorgeous young American goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor.
"Show me."The American took her finger, pushed on her left hand and screamed; then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said,
"You're not really an American, are you?""Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a Martian.""I thought so," the doctor said.
"Your finger is broken."

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Cricket Joke

"I am a cricket fan",a first grade teacher explains to her class.
"Who likes cricket?"
Everyone raises a hand except one little girl "Rosie", the teacher says,surprised
"why don't you raise your hand?"
"I'm not a cricket fan."
"well,if you are not a cricket fan then which game do you like?"
"football", Rosie answered.
"why in the world are you a football fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are football fans."
"that's no reason to be a football fan",the teacher replies,annoyed.
"you don't always have to be just like your parents.
What if your mum and dad were morons? What would you be then?"
"A CRICKET FAN"

His and hers diary

--------
HER DIARY
---------

This evening, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.I asked him what was wrong - he said,"Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved
him, he simply smiled and kept driving.I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say,"I love you,too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost
him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to
confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

---------
HIS DIARY
---------

Today Australia lost the cricket test against England.

DAMN IT

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Pope and Martian

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Martians had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Martian community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Martian community. If the Martian won, the Martians could stay.
If the Pope won, the Martians would leave.

The Martians realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Marty Martian to represent them. Martian asked for one additional condition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk.

The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Marty Martian and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Marty looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Marty pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.

Marty pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Martians can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were gathered around the
Pope asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the holy Trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then, I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.

He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. Then, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.
He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Martian community had crowded around Marty Martian.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Marty, "First he said to me that the Martians had three days to get out of here.
I told him not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Martians.

I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know", said Marty, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!"

Note on Martian Jokes:
The original ethnic group has been replaced with Martians according to my new policy.

Sardarji Message from Aravind

Aravind wrote:

"Sardarji is in a Quiz Contest trying to win prize money of Rs.1 crore.



The questions are as follows:

1) How long was the 100 yr war?
A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150

Sardar says "I will skip this"


2) In which country are the Panama hats made?
A) BRASIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) EQUADOR

Sardar asks for help from the University students


3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER

Sardar asks for help from general public


4) Which of these was King George VI first name?
A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL

Sardar asks for lucky cards


5) The Canary islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on
which animal:
A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT

Sardar gives up.




SCROLL DOWN.......









































If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's replies, then
please check the answers below:

1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador
3) The October revolution is celebrated in November
4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of
the puppies.

Now tell me who's the dumb one....Don't ever laugh at a Sardar again."

In the interests of good humour I would like to keep posting jokes about stupid people. Around the world, the jokes can be about Sardars, blondes, the Irish, Jewish American Princesses, Australians to name only a few. Yes, I too have been told jokes about my stupid nationality and been expected to laugh. None of these groups of people are actually stupid. Repeating the jokes simply reinforces false stereotypes and creates an atmosphere where discrimination against them is the norm. From now on I will substitute the fictitious ethnic group "Martian". As yet, no-one lives on Mars.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Office Joke: A Trainee

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....


On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:


"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"


The voice from the other side responded:


"You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're

talking to?"


"No" replied the trainee.


"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"


The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to,you
IDIOT?"


"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.


"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone

Monday, November 06, 2006

Women, you mustn't stop drinking, shopping and visiting beauty salons.

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked

"No I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I
haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. "Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded.
"Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Money











It can buy a house









But not a home








It can buy a clock









But not time







It can buy you a position









But not respect




It can buy you a bed






But not sleep







It can buy you a book







But not knowledge







It can buy you medicine






But not health






It can buy you blood






But not life





So you see money isn't everything

And it often causes pain and suffering







I tell you this because I am your friend




And as your friend I want to







Take away your pain and suffering!!







So
Send me all your money






And I will suffer for you!


Cash only please!

After all, what are friends for, right??


I HOPE THIS MADE YOU SMILE!!! LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE!


START IMMEDIATELY SENDING YOUR TROUBLES (MONEY)

Sunday, October 08, 2006

The price of growing old.


Hard of hearing
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Forgetful

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly".
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Husband & Wife being forgetful

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it ?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too.
Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it ?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down ?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles to the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"

Heart Problem

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical check.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"


From Cin-Ee

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Two Minute Management Course

COURSE: MANAGEMENT 101 from Cin-Ee

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut

Discussion on phone bills

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

...From Cin-Ee

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Immigrant style divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Man: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
Man: Its made of concrete.

Lawyer: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
Man: No, we have carport, and not need one.

Lawyer: I mean. What are your relations like?
Man: All my relations still in Poland.

Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Man: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Man: No, I always up before her.

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Man: No, she white.

Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Man: She going to kill me.

Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Man: I got proof.

Lawyer: What kind of proof?
Man: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

Saturday, August 19, 2006

A Blonde Joke

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6'tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.

What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler."

"Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Actual Travel Agent Stories

It is said that the following are actual stories provided by travel agents:


A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."



I just got off the phone with a man who asked,
"How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied,
"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Its a Dog's Life

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth.

He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please? The dog has money in its mouth, as well."

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog.

So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.

It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy.

"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me! "To which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."

Moral of the story.....
You may continue to exceed onlooker’s expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations.
It's a dog's life after all.....

Saturday, July 29, 2006

What Bollywood teaches people about India.

What people from other countries learn about India from Bollywood Movies

1. Indian kids are always lost when they are young and reunite with their siblings 20 years later singing a common childhood song. A young boy with a woman is not usually her son but actually the son of a rich king or honest inspector, who have been killed.
2. Every Indian kid loses his father / mother (or both) when he is very young. He can only take revenge on the killer when he has grown up. A child' s father, who is shot dead when the child is still young, is usually an upright police officer.
3. All Indians have an identical twin brother/sister growing up somewhere else in the country. One of the twins is always oppressed while the other is an extrovert.
4. One is also growing up in poverty, while the other is filthy rich (see below)
5. Such twins will usually come to light during a fist fight when the shirt sleevs are torn off, revealing identical tattos on the left (right?) arm.
6. Corollary: ALL indian twin boys are tattoed identically.
7. If two people are brothers, it is natural for one to be an honest inspector and the other to be a crook. Normally, the crook justifies his crime by being the bread-earner of the family and putting the inspector brother to school. The crook usually reforms (or dies) in the end.
8. A young child in India usually becomes a crook when he is caught stealing rotis. He is shown chased by a mob, and in an instant, he becomes big, chased by the police.
9. There are two economic classes in Indian society: very poor and filthy rich. There is no middle class. The boy usually belongs to one class and the heroine to the other. If the Indian boy is poor, he will never accept the blank cheque offered by the girl's father. If the girl is rich, she is usually the only daughter.
10. Indians are good singers. When an Indian man / woman sings, music automatically appears in the background.
11. An Indian man / woman spends an average 15 minutes every day singing love songs in slow motion.
12. If this is not possible, they spend the same time doing dance numbers, with certain kinds of people in certain kinds of clothing appearing out of nowhere to provide accompaniment.
13. Indian men are generally called "Vijay", "Sunny", "Karan", or "Rahul". Indian women are either called "Mohini", "Seema", "Tina" or "Anjali".
14. It is necessary for young Indians to run from home when their parents disapprove of their affair. Arranged marriages do not exist in India. In case of an arranged marriage, the approved boy is usually a villain.
15. All honest factory owners have evil managers and extra-honest trade union leaders. All evil managers usually transport drugs (or gold) in the company's trucks.
16. Indian uncles /aunts / stepmothers are always evil.
17. It is natural in India for the boy's and girl's families to be enemies at all times and make peace only after their children die.
18. All brothers/sisters love their siblings and are willing to do extreme sacrifices for them.
19. All married women are either mopping the floor or washing clothes by hand when their fathers come to visit them in their sasural.
20. When a woman is making rotis, it is natural for her to apply dough to her face eventually.
21. All evil men in India either have an eye-patch, a scar or wear a weird wig. Their henchmen are sweaty, hairy individuals wearing striped T-shirts.
22. Every Indian man can wrestle 20 people at the same time. Villains always facilitate his martial arts exercise by approaching him one by one.
23. When an Indian man fights, there are always empty drums or breakable brick walls around. The hero always wins.
24. Every Indian politician is well connected to a mafia leader, corrupt policeman, student leader, and the local hoodlum.
25. Indian policemen are slow to react. They usually arrive on the scene only after the bad guys have been defeated by one Indian man.
26. Even after an Indian man has been shot several times, he does not die till the next 15 minutes when he has spoken a lot of the choicest dialogues.
27. Every rich household has a servant called "Ramu" (derivatives include Ramu kaka) and a maid called "Shanta", or "Shanti" or "Kamla".
28. Every rich household has a dog named either "Tommy" or "Moti".
29. Every Indian man has a side hero who is usually great at comedy.
30. When a woman gives birth, the child is usually a boy.
31. The Indian man is generally an atheist, who discovers faith only when there are too many difficulties
32. When the Indian man/woman have a lot of problems, they approach a temple, usually on a thunderstorm night, saying terse dialogues such as "Maine tumse kuch nahin maanga." It is normal for the temple's bells to be swaying like pendulums.
33. All homes are located near a mountain or at least a hill so that cars can be chased on dangerous tracks.
34. If the car chase occurs in the crowded areas of the city, it is usual for a handcart laden with fruits (oranges, sweetlime or water melon) to come out of nowhere and dash against one of the cars.
35. If a man is shot at, he usually dies when he is on the verge of revealing the identity of his killers.
36. In case it is the badly wounded (but on his feet) hero pointing a gun at the villan, after tens or hundreds have been massacared during misc. fights, the police will intervene with clich├ęs like "kanoon ke haat bahut lambe hote hain" and "kanoon ise saja degi"
37. All Indians have the ability to spontenously teleport from wherever they are to choice destinations like Kashmir, Mahabaleshwar, etc. and back.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Open to Men only!!!

WICOE (Women In Charge Of Everything) is proud to announce the opening of its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO WATER THE PLANTS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET AND FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE / FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the
house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

Saturday, July 22, 2006

2 Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some
fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he
thought for a moment. "You know," he said,
"I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put
them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
.that phrase . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well
be the solution."The next day, she brought her female
parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, the male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in
with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots
cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to
have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been
answered!"

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Final Exam

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be Easy....
Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire?

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Punctuation is important!

An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Actual Newspaper Ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Better be a reward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything...

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road?

In the words of great personalities:

PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forgot.
BILL CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with THAT chicken.
EINSTEIN : Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
BUSH:- either the chicken is with us...or against us.
COLONEL SANDERS (of Kentucky Fried Chicks): I missed one?
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important papers and balance your checkbook.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
ANONYMOUS : To avoid the bird flu.
PINOCHIO : The chicken never crossed the road
MAHATMA GHANDI : It was a show of no-cooperation and non-violence
BRAD PITT : This is so obvious. To hit on the women standing on the other side of road.
COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HOMER SIMPSON : Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n
WARREN BUFFET : Because the chicken thought that by investing its time and energy and withstanding the risk of getting run down by traffic it could become famous.
DAVID BECKHAM : Because the chicken was playimg a football and goal was on other side of the road

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

World Cup

A man had a great seat for the World Cup final.
As he sits down, he notices that there is a vacant seat between him and the
next guy.
He asks the guy if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the
World Cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
come with me, but she passed away a few days ago. This is the first World
Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married."
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find
someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head and answers: "No. They're all at the funeral..."

Friday, June 23, 2006

TV

While watching the basketball game on TV Monday night, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Some days I hate being married to a smart ass.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

An Indian in America

An Indian migrated to America, and moved into an American neighborhood. His American neighbor went next door to wish him welcome. He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad.
"Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. Seeing this, he became angry and went up to the Indian man. "I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled in the Indian man's face.

The Indian man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Extra Service

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He had to get off on station that came up at 4 am. He asked the guy sitting opposite him on the train to wake him up at 4 am and gave him Rs 20 to do so. This guy was a barber, and felt that for Rs 20 the passenger deserved more service. So, when he fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off is beard! When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up,
and he went home. Reaching home he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. His wife said, " What's the matter?" He replied, "The cheat on the train has taken Rs 20 from me and has woken up someone else!!!"

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The Happiest People in the World

Mario is drunk again, sniffing and spluttering in the bar. “For eighteen years, “he says to his friend Steve, “for eighteen years, me and my wife were the happiest people in the world!” “What happened then?” asks Steve. “Then,“ sobs Mario, “we met!”

Friday, June 09, 2006

The World's Most Expensive Barbie Doll

A guy walks into a toy shop and says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?" She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have:
Fashion Barbie for $11.95
Vacation Barbie for $11.95
Housewife Barbie for $11.95 and
Divorcee Barbie for $211.95!"
The guy asks in astonishment,"Why is "Divorcee Barbie so much? She looks the same to me." The assistant answers, "Well, sir, Divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's golf clubs, his Gold MasterCard, his yacht and his summer home."

Thursday, June 01, 2006

A Mathematical Joke

Once, a constant and e raised to x (e^x) were going down a road, when they
spotted the derivative operator at a junction. The constant started
perspiring -- fully in tension. He said, "Oh ... the derivative
will convert me into zero".

e^x was cool, he said,"Ha! the derivative can't do anything to me, I am
e^x." So, in an overconfident manner, he went to the junction, while
constant stayed back.

e^x went there, and told the derivative, "I am e^x, you can't do
anything to me!"

The derivative replies back, "I'm not d/dx, I'm d/dy"

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Unusual funeral procession

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

What happened to her?"!

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied "Join the queue."

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Where in India.....

Observing a street brawl -

Scenario 1

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right.........

You are in Kolkatta

Scenario 2

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on....

That's Mumbai

Scenario 3

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The first two get together & beat him up............

That's Delhi

Scenario 4

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai stall ---

That's Ahmedabad.

Scenario 5

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software programm to stop the fight .. but the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug in the program ---

Thats Bangalore !!!!

Scenario 6

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes,fourth guy comes,...... nth guy comes the guys split into 2 groups and everybody starts to fight but the first and second guy walk away peacefully

Thats the Chennai............ !!!!

...............any match ?

Tongue Twisters

upper roller, lower roller.
________________
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck what a wood chuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
__________________

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
The sea shells she sells are sea shells she is sure.
__________________

Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers. So where is the pack of pickled peppers?
Peter Piper picked.
__________________

A true rural ruler should be a truly rural ruler
__________________

plz remind me to remind u abt reminding me to send the reminder which reminds me of
reminding u tht i am there 4 u
__________________

sheikh's sixth sheep is sick.
__________________

red lorry, blue lorry, green lorry
__________________

Betty Botter bought some butter,
but the butter which Betty Botter bought was bitter,
so Betty Botter bought some better butter to make her bitter butter better.
__________________

good blood bad blood
__________________

Chop shops stock chops
__________________

If one doctor doctors another doctor, does the doctor who doctors the doctor
doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors?
Or does he doctor the doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
__________________

He thrusts his fists against the posts, and still insists he sees the ghosts.

________________

Ed Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not. So it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Some say Nott was not shot. But Shott says he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, the shot was Shott, not Nott.
However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott - but Nott.
So, Ed Nott was shot and that's hot! Is it not?
________________

I slit the sheet
the sheet I slit
and on the slitted sheet
I sit
__________________

the sixth sick sheik's sixth sheeps sick
__________________

You need New York, unique New York, you know you need unique New York
__________________

Amalgamated aluminum cinnamon lemon liniment.
__________________

The big black bloke's big black bike's big black brake block broke
__________________

I miss my Swiss miss, my Swiss miss misses me.
I miss the bliss that Swiss kiss gives to me.
________________

If Moses supposes his toeses are roses, then Moses supposes erroneously.
For Moses, he knowses his toeses ain't roses,
For Moses, he knowses his toeses to be.
________________

Irish Wrist Watch
________________

Sister Suzy's sewing shirts for soldiers.
________________

Clowns grow glowing crowns
________________

Bruce breathed his black bread breath
________________

The soldier's shoulder is surely sore.
________________

direct sequence spread spectrum,direct sequence spread spectrum
________________


What noise annoys an oyster?
Any noise annoys an oyster,
But a noisy noise annoys an oyster more!
________________

Swan swam over the pond,
Swim sawn swim;
Swan swam back again - Well, swum swan
________________

susie susie
sitting in a shoe shine shop
she shines and sits
sits and shines
susie susie
sitting in a shoe shine shop
________________

How many cans can a canner can if a canner can can cans?
A canner can can as many cans as a canner can if a canner can can cans.
________________

The train's timings are changed from 1:58pm to 2:02 pm

The ANNOUNCEMENT says :

The train's timing is changed from two to two to two two!!!!
________________

The master said that that that that that student wrote was written wrong
________________

a big black bug bled blue blood and a big blue bug bled black blood
________________

I think that Thomas thought that Thelma threatened them with a thick thorn
________________

Pick-up Lines

Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.

Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

How was Heaven when you left it?

You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

I think I can die happy now, coz I've just seen a piece of heaven.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

You've made me so nervous that I've totally forgotten forgotten my standard pick-up line.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

You are a 9.999. Well, you'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Do you have a boyfriend? No. Want one?(if yes: Want another one?)

The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.

Hey there! Have you got a quarter I could borrow?(Why?) Because my mom told me to call her when I found the girl of my dreams.

You must be tired. (Why?) Because you've been running through my head all day.....

Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?

I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.

Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a princess(or prince) like you.

What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

Oh my sweet darling! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.

Hey, how did you do that? (What?) Look so good?

If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.

I just wanted to show this rose how incredably beautiful you are!!

Hello means:
H- have you missed me?
E- everything all right?
L- like to see you.
L- like to be with you.
O- obviously i miss you.
just want to say hello to you.

If you wanna know how much I love you, count the stars.

The day we met, the angels whispered, " perfect".

THE SPACES BETWEEN YOUR FINGERS ARE MEANT TO BE FILLED WITH MINE.

If you want to kiss someone,
you are NOT supposed to ask!
Just do it,
trust me,
they'll enjoy it!

Within you, I lose myself, without you, I find myself, searching to be lost again.

Life is - too short- so - kiss slowly, love deeply & forgive quickly & forget the past.

Until I hear your heart pounding next to mine, i got work to do.

I always wonder wat your thinking....whenever our eyez meet from across the room...

No ones perfect, but there's always someone out there that thinks you are.

I never knew anything was missing in my life... Until YOU filled it...

After the verb "to love", "to help" is the most beautiful verb in the world.

We do not remember days; we remember moments.

Telling someone the truth is a loving act.

Ill be your best kept secret and your Biggest mistake.

When is it ok to tell you i love you?

If i get to see you smile just once a day i know it will be a better one.

Tears are words the heart cant say.

Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

I think of you,want you, miss you, and LOVE YOU on 2 occasions: Day and Night....

If you can explain love, you're not in it.

You do somthing to me that i can't explain,
so would i be out of line if i said...
I miss you?

If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever?

Love cannot be expressed in poetry because when your in love, you are at a lost for words.

Once U love someone that person is forever a part of U.

I wouldn't die for you, if I was dead then I still couldn't have you.

Dear heart,
Met a girl today....prepare to break.

Typical is what im after not some beautiful disaster.

my dream is to hear rocks hitting my window and seeing you standing in the rain.

If NOTHING Lasts forever
Then will Y0U be my NOTHING??

Lets slow dance and be the couple. everyone wishes they could be.

What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you.

Sometimes the person your looking for is right infront of you .

To the world you're just someone, but to somone you might be the world.

She laughs about my dreams and i dream about her laughter.

Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from here.

Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start.

My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your smile.

So there you are! I've been looking all over for YOU, the girl of my dreams!

Where have you been all my life?

Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?

You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.

Wow.

You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!

(person walks in, and you say:) And out of nowhere comes the sunshine!!

Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boyfriend?

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

You are the only reason why I came in here alone.

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Can I get a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist.

Excuse me, mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to remember your face for my dreams.

Guy: Did I see u somewhere? Girl: No Guy: Then I must of seen you in my
dreams!

I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your name was included.

Life without you would be like a broken pencil...pointless.

You have been summoned to court for trespassing my dreams, stealing my heart and robbing my feelings. If guilty: you are sentenced to be with me forever. How do you plead?

Indian Applications

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.



2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."



3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."



4. >From H.A.L. Administration dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."



5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"



6. An incident of a leave letter

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."



7. A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"



8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."



9. Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."



10. Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."



11. Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".



12. Letter writing: -

"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."



13. A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and
I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Famous Quotes

"You know the world is different
when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the US of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the 3 most powerful men in America
are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colin'! Need I say more?"
- Chris Rock

___________

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted
- George Best

___________

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Bertrand Russell

___________

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the
richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben

___________

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I
stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips

___________

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he
was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass
the salt.
-- Eric Sykes

___________

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
wife to go swimming.
-- Jimmy Carter

___________

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright

___________

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that,
who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-- Billy Connolly

___________

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was
sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell
she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

___________

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow.
I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
-- Tommy Cooper

___________

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find
out later she has money.
-- Bob Monkhouse

___________

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year
and a half.
-- Gracie Allen

___________

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx.

___________

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life ........unless
I buy something.
Jackie Mason

___________

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about
five minutes more.
Wilson Misner

___________

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.
Oscar Wilde

___________

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to
own one.
-- W.C. Fields

___________

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at
a cat one time...they're gone.
-- Lenny Bruce

___________

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many
women very happy?
-- Benny Hill

___________

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

___________

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-- Anonymous

___________

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

___________

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi

Marriage

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

What's new? Most of my wife.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Quickies

At weddings old aunts usd to tease me saying "You are next, you are next."
But they stoppd it since I started doin the same to them at funerals...!!

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Eve to Adam: Do you love me?
Adam nonchalantly: Who else?

I'm an athiest, Thanks God.

I was an atheist untill i realized I am god..

There's one thing i like about babies..
making them!!

a man when asked "Do you talk to your wife after sex?" answered "Depends, if I can find a phone"

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

wife - u were so drunk last night that u insulted ur boss
husband - piss him
wife - u did that and he fired u
husband - fuck him
wife - i did that! and you can go to work from tomorrow

what does mallika sherawat do first thing in the morning?
she goes home.

One liners

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an jerk.

Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Losing a girlfriend can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.

Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time!

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

I love your outfit, does it come in your size?

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Computers are there from Bibilical times. Proof ?!! Eve had an Apple.

Make crime pay, become a lawyer.

As a matter of fact, I do own the road.

I'm looking for the right pedestrian to run over.

So many pedestrians. So little time!

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

Sardars

People from america, europe etc think blondes have no intelligence and have jokes about that fact..... here in india we think sardars/punjabi-s dont have intelligence and we have jokes about that...... even sardars enjoy them......

i may send some jokes about sardars where u r supposed to assume the above fact......


What is the height of stupidity? - two sardars sitting on a motorcycle & fighting for a window seat

_____

A Sardar had called an Englishman for lunch. There was curd on the table. The guest asked what is this? The Sardar didn't know proper English, he said "Milk sleeping in night, morning becomes tight"

_____

Did you hear about the sardarji who is so rich he has 2 swimming pools, 1 of which is always empty? It is for people who can't swim!

_____

A Sardar went to Kashmir officially and called to his house over phone.

A servant (also a sardar) had taken the receiver. Sardarji, Who is speaking?

Servant, its me Servant Sir.

Sardarji, Where is the Madam?

Servant, She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.

Sardarji, What? I am her husband came to kashmir today.

Servant, What can I do now sir?

Sardarji, Open the cub board, pick the Gun, shoot both of them, come back and tell me, Till then I am waiting in the line. After some time ... there comes 2 shooting sounds ... after that ...

Servant, Yes, I did Sir. But what can i do next Sir?

Sardarji, open the back door, throw both of them into the well

Servant, I can open the back door, but how can i throw both of them from this third floor into the well in the ground floor Sir?

Sardarji, What...? Are you in the third floor?

Servant, Yes Sir

Sardarji, sorry, wrong number !!!!!!!!

_____

Once Santa (sardar) got an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. Santa had never flown before and hence was quite excited although tense.

Once he boarded the plane, a BOEING 707, Santa started jumping in
excitement,jumping from seat to seat and shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!!
BOEING!!! BO....'.

He forgot all about the surroundings and the shouting reached the cock-pit.

Irritated by the sound, the Pilot came out and shouted 'BE SILENT! '.
There was a pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody was looking at the
Santa and the angry Pilot.

Santa stared at the Pilot in silence for a moment and the next moment
was shouting,
'OEING! OEING!! OEING!!! OE...'.

_____

Sardar had twins; he named them Tin & Martin.
Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.
again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again the same. disgusted Sardar named them TIRED
& RETIRED!

_____

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

_____

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

_____

What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.

_____

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

_____

Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r
others running?

_____

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

_____

Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was
not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary
Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!

_____

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant
it's already raining. Sardar: So what? Take an
umbrella and go.

_____

Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have
posted it....

_____

Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died
peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the
passengers in the car he was driving..

_____

Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local
sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still
digging for more..

_____

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

_____

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest
waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20
supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls?"

_____

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

_____

Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

_____

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as

women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!

_____

My friend has a fine watch dog.

At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

_____

An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt.

_____

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'

_____

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a worldwide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off evil........ Just when the clock struck 11... Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

_____

Raj and Saj, now pilots are trying to land an airplane at Heathrow Airport.

They start descending and as they touch the ground Saj screams 'Oye Raj, the runway is ending...".

Raj swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, Saj screams again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...". Raj swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again...

During their fourth descent Raj says : "Look at those stupid Brits, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..", "I know" answers Saj, "But look how wide they made it...."

_____

"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardarji looked skyward and asked, "Where, Where?

_____

Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and Sardarji were sent to the outer space.
The ground control issues commands, "Rubi!"
"Woof!" (barking sound ) "Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!"
"Moti!" "Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!"
"Sardarji!" "Woof." "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"

_____

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

_____

Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how he had fared. He replied, "Exam was okay, except for the past tense of 'think'. I thought, thought, thought and at last, I wrote 'thunk'!"

_____

A train suddenly deviated from the tracks and ran onto the nearby fields before returning on the tracks again. The passengers were horrified at this. At the
next railway station, the driver was caught and questioned. He was a sardar and explained that a man was standing on the tracks and he refused to budge.
The authorities asked him, "Sardarji, are you mad? Just to save one person, you put so many lives in danger. You should have overrun that person." The
sardar replied: "Exactly, that is what I was doing, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close."

_____

Sardar ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."