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Sunday, December 23, 2007

One Liners

Best one liners from "Have Fun with English"

1. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
2. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
3. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
4. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
5. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
6. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
7. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
8. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
9. A day without sunshine is like, night.
10. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die.
12. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
13. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
14. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
15. Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Martian Duck Hunter

A Martian went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn't like Martians.

The game warden ordered the Martian to show his hunting license, and the Martian pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario.This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license,boy?"

The Martian reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"

The Martian reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?"

Again the Martian reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Martian "Just where the hell are you from?"

The Martian smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, " You tell me, you're the expert."

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Hungry Vampires

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Fishing Genie

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. one of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.

"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Patrol in Iraq

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi
border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead
body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled
American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who
was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-
covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to
the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.
I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is
an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton
is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit

American and Martian

A martian and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York .. The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.

The martian, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."

Again, the martian declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This gets the martian's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The martian doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."

So the martian asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American thinks about it. No answer.

Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer!

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers.

Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the martian and hands him $500.

The martian thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the martian and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the martian reaches into his purse, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!

Monday, July 16, 2007

Security Alert Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Submitted by a Martian. The racism against Earthlings is real.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Cat and Mouse Go to Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you are here?”

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!”

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

A Scary Story

It was a dark and raining night. I wanted to write something but found that I had no notebooks at all. So I decided to buy one.

I took my umbrella and searched the whole town, but only found one small shop still open. I had no choice but stepped into the scary looking room.

There was an old man sitting inside. I asked him for a notebook. He told me that there was only one notebook there and no one wanted to buy it. I told him that I would and asked him how much. He said $1 and I paid him. When I walked out of that store and prepared to go back home, the old man shouted at me and said "Never turn to the last page or terrible things will happen to you!"

After I had reached home, I felt so scared with that note in my hand. But I was so curious and could not help but finally open the notebook and turn to the last page.

I was really shocked and terrible things did happened to me right after that. Right in front of me, was the most terrible sentence I have ever seen:

"Gift only, this notebook is free"

Friday, June 01, 2007

Human and Pig Equations

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy

If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work

In other words,

Humans that don't enjoy = pigs that work


Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money

If Men - earn money = Pigs

In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Pigs


Women = eat + sleep + spend

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Women = Pigs + spend

If, Women - spend = Pigs

In other words,

Women that don't spend = Pigs

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Gas solution

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of gas."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?

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The bee answered, "BP."

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Bogan Etiquette


1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.


1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's own ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.


1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a Tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.


1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

3. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Business sucks.

One car salesmen complained to the other, "Business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
Too late he noticed a beautiful martian girl sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the martian replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

Friday, May 04, 2007

Seniors Tour Bus

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder. She hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,why don't you eat the peanuts yourself? "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Brain Power

In the hospital the friends gathered in the waiting room, where their friend lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a human brain, and $200 for a martian brain."

The moment turned awkward. Humans in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the martians, but some actually smirked. A human, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the human brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the martian brains, because they've actually been used."

Friday, April 20, 2007

Short Martian Jokes

When is your birthdate?
Martin: 13th October
Which year?
Martin: .....EVERY YEAR

Manager asked to Martin at an interview
"Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?"
Martin replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

After returning back from a foreign trip, Martin asked his wife, "Do I look like a foreigner?"
Wife: No! Why?
Martin: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

Martin was doing experiment with a cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly Martin said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.

On a political rally Martin was arrested. Why??? A woman journalist walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" and He did it..

When Martin was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror. Martin shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.

Martin went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Martin pointed towards the board "WASH BASIN"

Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Martin: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Angel brings statues to life

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Blair and Brown

Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said, "Gordon, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Brown.

"Well' said Blair "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub or other in one of those old villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside"

"Right PM" said Brown.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the wood" said Blair.

"Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord, "two pints of best it is, coming up"

Blair and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink.

The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the
adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with

He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath,
shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He
walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his
head and
went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds
came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Brown could stand it no longer and called the
barman over.

"Tell me" said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds come in and
look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?"

"Good Lord no," said the barman. "Its just that someone has told them
that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes".

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Heaven is for everyone. A martian joke.

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and a martian, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The Martian then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the martian, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

Therefore don't ever underestimate a martian !!!