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Sunday, July 30, 2006

Its a Dog's Life

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth.

He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please? The dog has money in its mouth, as well."

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog.

So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.

It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy.

"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me! "To which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."

Moral of the story.....
You may continue to exceed onlooker’s expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations.
It's a dog's life after all.....

Saturday, July 29, 2006

What Bollywood teaches people about India.

What people from other countries learn about India from Bollywood Movies

1. Indian kids are always lost when they are young and reunite with their siblings 20 years later singing a common childhood song. A young boy with a woman is not usually her son but actually the son of a rich king or honest inspector, who have been killed.
2. Every Indian kid loses his father / mother (or both) when he is very young. He can only take revenge on the killer when he has grown up. A child' s father, who is shot dead when the child is still young, is usually an upright police officer.
3. All Indians have an identical twin brother/sister growing up somewhere else in the country. One of the twins is always oppressed while the other is an extrovert.
4. One is also growing up in poverty, while the other is filthy rich (see below)
5. Such twins will usually come to light during a fist fight when the shirt sleevs are torn off, revealing identical tattos on the left (right?) arm.
6. Corollary: ALL indian twin boys are tattoed identically.
7. If two people are brothers, it is natural for one to be an honest inspector and the other to be a crook. Normally, the crook justifies his crime by being the bread-earner of the family and putting the inspector brother to school. The crook usually reforms (or dies) in the end.
8. A young child in India usually becomes a crook when he is caught stealing rotis. He is shown chased by a mob, and in an instant, he becomes big, chased by the police.
9. There are two economic classes in Indian society: very poor and filthy rich. There is no middle class. The boy usually belongs to one class and the heroine to the other. If the Indian boy is poor, he will never accept the blank cheque offered by the girl's father. If the girl is rich, she is usually the only daughter.
10. Indians are good singers. When an Indian man / woman sings, music automatically appears in the background.
11. An Indian man / woman spends an average 15 minutes every day singing love songs in slow motion.
12. If this is not possible, they spend the same time doing dance numbers, with certain kinds of people in certain kinds of clothing appearing out of nowhere to provide accompaniment.
13. Indian men are generally called "Vijay", "Sunny", "Karan", or "Rahul". Indian women are either called "Mohini", "Seema", "Tina" or "Anjali".
14. It is necessary for young Indians to run from home when their parents disapprove of their affair. Arranged marriages do not exist in India. In case of an arranged marriage, the approved boy is usually a villain.
15. All honest factory owners have evil managers and extra-honest trade union leaders. All evil managers usually transport drugs (or gold) in the company's trucks.
16. Indian uncles /aunts / stepmothers are always evil.
17. It is natural in India for the boy's and girl's families to be enemies at all times and make peace only after their children die.
18. All brothers/sisters love their siblings and are willing to do extreme sacrifices for them.
19. All married women are either mopping the floor or washing clothes by hand when their fathers come to visit them in their sasural.
20. When a woman is making rotis, it is natural for her to apply dough to her face eventually.
21. All evil men in India either have an eye-patch, a scar or wear a weird wig. Their henchmen are sweaty, hairy individuals wearing striped T-shirts.
22. Every Indian man can wrestle 20 people at the same time. Villains always facilitate his martial arts exercise by approaching him one by one.
23. When an Indian man fights, there are always empty drums or breakable brick walls around. The hero always wins.
24. Every Indian politician is well connected to a mafia leader, corrupt policeman, student leader, and the local hoodlum.
25. Indian policemen are slow to react. They usually arrive on the scene only after the bad guys have been defeated by one Indian man.
26. Even after an Indian man has been shot several times, he does not die till the next 15 minutes when he has spoken a lot of the choicest dialogues.
27. Every rich household has a servant called "Ramu" (derivatives include Ramu kaka) and a maid called "Shanta", or "Shanti" or "Kamla".
28. Every rich household has a dog named either "Tommy" or "Moti".
29. Every Indian man has a side hero who is usually great at comedy.
30. When a woman gives birth, the child is usually a boy.
31. The Indian man is generally an atheist, who discovers faith only when there are too many difficulties
32. When the Indian man/woman have a lot of problems, they approach a temple, usually on a thunderstorm night, saying terse dialogues such as "Maine tumse kuch nahin maanga." It is normal for the temple's bells to be swaying like pendulums.
33. All homes are located near a mountain or at least a hill so that cars can be chased on dangerous tracks.
34. If the car chase occurs in the crowded areas of the city, it is usual for a handcart laden with fruits (oranges, sweetlime or water melon) to come out of nowhere and dash against one of the cars.
35. If a man is shot at, he usually dies when he is on the verge of revealing the identity of his killers.
36. In case it is the badly wounded (but on his feet) hero pointing a gun at the villan, after tens or hundreds have been massacared during misc. fights, the police will intervene with clich├ęs like "kanoon ke haat bahut lambe hote hain" and "kanoon ise saja degi"
37. All Indians have the ability to spontenously teleport from wherever they are to choice destinations like Kashmir, Mahabaleshwar, etc. and back.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Open to Men only!!!

WICOE (Women In Charge Of Everything) is proud to announce the opening of its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO WATER THE PLANTS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET AND FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE / FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the
house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

Saturday, July 22, 2006

2 Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some
fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he
thought for a moment. "You know," he said,
"I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put
them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
.that phrase . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well
be the solution."The next day, she brought her female
parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, the male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in
with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots
cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to
have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been
answered!"

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Final Exam

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be Easy....
Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire?

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Punctuation is important!

An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Actual Newspaper Ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Better be a reward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything...

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road?

In the words of great personalities:

PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forgot.
BILL CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with THAT chicken.
EINSTEIN : Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
BUSH:- either the chicken is with us...or against us.
COLONEL SANDERS (of Kentucky Fried Chicks): I missed one?
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important papers and balance your checkbook.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
ANONYMOUS : To avoid the bird flu.
PINOCHIO : The chicken never crossed the road
MAHATMA GHANDI : It was a show of no-cooperation and non-violence
BRAD PITT : This is so obvious. To hit on the women standing on the other side of road.
COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HOMER SIMPSON : Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n
WARREN BUFFET : Because the chicken thought that by investing its time and energy and withstanding the risk of getting run down by traffic it could become famous.
DAVID BECKHAM : Because the chicken was playimg a football and goal was on other side of the road