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Saturday, July 29, 2006

What Bollywood teaches people about India.

What people from other countries learn about India from Bollywood Movies

1. Indian kids are always lost when they are young and reunite with their siblings 20 years later singing a common childhood song. A young boy with a woman is not usually her son but actually the son of a rich king or honest inspector, who have been killed.
2. Every Indian kid loses his father / mother (or both) when he is very young. He can only take revenge on the killer when he has grown up. A child' s father, who is shot dead when the child is still young, is usually an upright police officer.
3. All Indians have an identical twin brother/sister growing up somewhere else in the country. One of the twins is always oppressed while the other is an extrovert.
4. One is also growing up in poverty, while the other is filthy rich (see below)
5. Such twins will usually come to light during a fist fight when the shirt sleevs are torn off, revealing identical tattos on the left (right?) arm.
6. Corollary: ALL indian twin boys are tattoed identically.
7. If two people are brothers, it is natural for one to be an honest inspector and the other to be a crook. Normally, the crook justifies his crime by being the bread-earner of the family and putting the inspector brother to school. The crook usually reforms (or dies) in the end.
8. A young child in India usually becomes a crook when he is caught stealing rotis. He is shown chased by a mob, and in an instant, he becomes big, chased by the police.
9. There are two economic classes in Indian society: very poor and filthy rich. There is no middle class. The boy usually belongs to one class and the heroine to the other. If the Indian boy is poor, he will never accept the blank cheque offered by the girl's father. If the girl is rich, she is usually the only daughter.
10. Indians are good singers. When an Indian man / woman sings, music automatically appears in the background.
11. An Indian man / woman spends an average 15 minutes every day singing love songs in slow motion.
12. If this is not possible, they spend the same time doing dance numbers, with certain kinds of people in certain kinds of clothing appearing out of nowhere to provide accompaniment.
13. Indian men are generally called "Vijay", "Sunny", "Karan", or "Rahul". Indian women are either called "Mohini", "Seema", "Tina" or "Anjali".
14. It is necessary for young Indians to run from home when their parents disapprove of their affair. Arranged marriages do not exist in India. In case of an arranged marriage, the approved boy is usually a villain.
15. All honest factory owners have evil managers and extra-honest trade union leaders. All evil managers usually transport drugs (or gold) in the company's trucks.
16. Indian uncles /aunts / stepmothers are always evil.
17. It is natural in India for the boy's and girl's families to be enemies at all times and make peace only after their children die.
18. All brothers/sisters love their siblings and are willing to do extreme sacrifices for them.
19. All married women are either mopping the floor or washing clothes by hand when their fathers come to visit them in their sasural.
20. When a woman is making rotis, it is natural for her to apply dough to her face eventually.
21. All evil men in India either have an eye-patch, a scar or wear a weird wig. Their henchmen are sweaty, hairy individuals wearing striped T-shirts.
22. Every Indian man can wrestle 20 people at the same time. Villains always facilitate his martial arts exercise by approaching him one by one.
23. When an Indian man fights, there are always empty drums or breakable brick walls around. The hero always wins.
24. Every Indian politician is well connected to a mafia leader, corrupt policeman, student leader, and the local hoodlum.
25. Indian policemen are slow to react. They usually arrive on the scene only after the bad guys have been defeated by one Indian man.
26. Even after an Indian man has been shot several times, he does not die till the next 15 minutes when he has spoken a lot of the choicest dialogues.
27. Every rich household has a servant called "Ramu" (derivatives include Ramu kaka) and a maid called "Shanta", or "Shanti" or "Kamla".
28. Every rich household has a dog named either "Tommy" or "Moti".
29. Every Indian man has a side hero who is usually great at comedy.
30. When a woman gives birth, the child is usually a boy.
31. The Indian man is generally an atheist, who discovers faith only when there are too many difficulties
32. When the Indian man/woman have a lot of problems, they approach a temple, usually on a thunderstorm night, saying terse dialogues such as "Maine tumse kuch nahin maanga." It is normal for the temple's bells to be swaying like pendulums.
33. All homes are located near a mountain or at least a hill so that cars can be chased on dangerous tracks.
34. If the car chase occurs in the crowded areas of the city, it is usual for a handcart laden with fruits (oranges, sweetlime or water melon) to come out of nowhere and dash against one of the cars.
35. If a man is shot at, he usually dies when he is on the verge of revealing the identity of his killers.
36. In case it is the badly wounded (but on his feet) hero pointing a gun at the villan, after tens or hundreds have been massacared during misc. fights, the police will intervene with clich├ęs like "kanoon ke haat bahut lambe hote hain" and "kanoon ise saja degi"
37. All Indians have the ability to spontenously teleport from wherever they are to choice destinations like Kashmir, Mahabaleshwar, etc. and back.

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