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Thursday, May 25, 2006

Unusual funeral procession

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

What happened to her?"!

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied "Join the queue."

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Where in India.....

Observing a street brawl -

Scenario 1

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right.........

You are in Kolkatta

Scenario 2

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on....

That's Mumbai

Scenario 3

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The first two get together & beat him up............

That's Delhi

Scenario 4

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai stall ---

That's Ahmedabad.

Scenario 5

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software programm to stop the fight .. but the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug in the program ---

Thats Bangalore !!!!

Scenario 6

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes,fourth guy comes,...... nth guy comes the guys split into 2 groups and everybody starts to fight but the first and second guy walk away peacefully

Thats the Chennai............ !!!!

...............any match ?

Tongue Twisters

upper roller, lower roller.
________________
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck what a wood chuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
__________________

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
The sea shells she sells are sea shells she is sure.
__________________

Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers. So where is the pack of pickled peppers?
Peter Piper picked.
__________________

A true rural ruler should be a truly rural ruler
__________________

plz remind me to remind u abt reminding me to send the reminder which reminds me of
reminding u tht i am there 4 u
__________________

sheikh's sixth sheep is sick.
__________________

red lorry, blue lorry, green lorry
__________________

Betty Botter bought some butter,
but the butter which Betty Botter bought was bitter,
so Betty Botter bought some better butter to make her bitter butter better.
__________________

good blood bad blood
__________________

Chop shops stock chops
__________________

If one doctor doctors another doctor, does the doctor who doctors the doctor
doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors?
Or does he doctor the doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
__________________

He thrusts his fists against the posts, and still insists he sees the ghosts.

________________

Ed Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not. So it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Some say Nott was not shot. But Shott says he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, the shot was Shott, not Nott.
However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott - but Nott.
So, Ed Nott was shot and that's hot! Is it not?
________________

I slit the sheet
the sheet I slit
and on the slitted sheet
I sit
__________________

the sixth sick sheik's sixth sheeps sick
__________________

You need New York, unique New York, you know you need unique New York
__________________

Amalgamated aluminum cinnamon lemon liniment.
__________________

The big black bloke's big black bike's big black brake block broke
__________________

I miss my Swiss miss, my Swiss miss misses me.
I miss the bliss that Swiss kiss gives to me.
________________

If Moses supposes his toeses are roses, then Moses supposes erroneously.
For Moses, he knowses his toeses ain't roses,
For Moses, he knowses his toeses to be.
________________

Irish Wrist Watch
________________

Sister Suzy's sewing shirts for soldiers.
________________

Clowns grow glowing crowns
________________

Bruce breathed his black bread breath
________________

The soldier's shoulder is surely sore.
________________

direct sequence spread spectrum,direct sequence spread spectrum
________________


What noise annoys an oyster?
Any noise annoys an oyster,
But a noisy noise annoys an oyster more!
________________

Swan swam over the pond,
Swim sawn swim;
Swan swam back again - Well, swum swan
________________

susie susie
sitting in a shoe shine shop
she shines and sits
sits and shines
susie susie
sitting in a shoe shine shop
________________

How many cans can a canner can if a canner can can cans?
A canner can can as many cans as a canner can if a canner can can cans.
________________

The train's timings are changed from 1:58pm to 2:02 pm

The ANNOUNCEMENT says :

The train's timing is changed from two to two to two two!!!!
________________

The master said that that that that that student wrote was written wrong
________________

a big black bug bled blue blood and a big blue bug bled black blood
________________

I think that Thomas thought that Thelma threatened them with a thick thorn
________________

Pick-up Lines

Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.

Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

How was Heaven when you left it?

You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

I think I can die happy now, coz I've just seen a piece of heaven.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

You've made me so nervous that I've totally forgotten forgotten my standard pick-up line.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

You are a 9.999. Well, you'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Do you have a boyfriend? No. Want one?(if yes: Want another one?)

The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.

Hey there! Have you got a quarter I could borrow?(Why?) Because my mom told me to call her when I found the girl of my dreams.

You must be tired. (Why?) Because you've been running through my head all day.....

Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?

I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.

Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a princess(or prince) like you.

What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

Oh my sweet darling! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.

Hey, how did you do that? (What?) Look so good?

If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.

I just wanted to show this rose how incredably beautiful you are!!

Hello means:
H- have you missed me?
E- everything all right?
L- like to see you.
L- like to be with you.
O- obviously i miss you.
just want to say hello to you.

If you wanna know how much I love you, count the stars.

The day we met, the angels whispered, " perfect".

THE SPACES BETWEEN YOUR FINGERS ARE MEANT TO BE FILLED WITH MINE.

If you want to kiss someone,
you are NOT supposed to ask!
Just do it,
trust me,
they'll enjoy it!

Within you, I lose myself, without you, I find myself, searching to be lost again.

Life is - too short- so - kiss slowly, love deeply & forgive quickly & forget the past.

Until I hear your heart pounding next to mine, i got work to do.

I always wonder wat your thinking....whenever our eyez meet from across the room...

No ones perfect, but there's always someone out there that thinks you are.

I never knew anything was missing in my life... Until YOU filled it...

After the verb "to love", "to help" is the most beautiful verb in the world.

We do not remember days; we remember moments.

Telling someone the truth is a loving act.

Ill be your best kept secret and your Biggest mistake.

When is it ok to tell you i love you?

If i get to see you smile just once a day i know it will be a better one.

Tears are words the heart cant say.

Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

I think of you,want you, miss you, and LOVE YOU on 2 occasions: Day and Night....

If you can explain love, you're not in it.

You do somthing to me that i can't explain,
so would i be out of line if i said...
I miss you?

If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever?

Love cannot be expressed in poetry because when your in love, you are at a lost for words.

Once U love someone that person is forever a part of U.

I wouldn't die for you, if I was dead then I still couldn't have you.

Dear heart,
Met a girl today....prepare to break.

Typical is what im after not some beautiful disaster.

my dream is to hear rocks hitting my window and seeing you standing in the rain.

If NOTHING Lasts forever
Then will Y0U be my NOTHING??

Lets slow dance and be the couple. everyone wishes they could be.

What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you.

Sometimes the person your looking for is right infront of you .

To the world you're just someone, but to somone you might be the world.

She laughs about my dreams and i dream about her laughter.

Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from here.

Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start.

My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your smile.

So there you are! I've been looking all over for YOU, the girl of my dreams!

Where have you been all my life?

Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?

You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.

Wow.

You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!

(person walks in, and you say:) And out of nowhere comes the sunshine!!

Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boyfriend?

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

You are the only reason why I came in here alone.

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Can I get a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist.

Excuse me, mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to remember your face for my dreams.

Guy: Did I see u somewhere? Girl: No Guy: Then I must of seen you in my
dreams!

I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your name was included.

Life without you would be like a broken pencil...pointless.

You have been summoned to court for trespassing my dreams, stealing my heart and robbing my feelings. If guilty: you are sentenced to be with me forever. How do you plead?

Indian Applications

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.



2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."



3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."



4. >From H.A.L. Administration dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."



5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"



6. An incident of a leave letter

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."



7. A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"



8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."



9. Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."



10. Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."



11. Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".



12. Letter writing: -

"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."



13. A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and
I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Famous Quotes

"You know the world is different
when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the US of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the 3 most powerful men in America
are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colin'! Need I say more?"
- Chris Rock

___________

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted
- George Best

___________

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Bertrand Russell

___________

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the
richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben

___________

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I
stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips

___________

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he
was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass
the salt.
-- Eric Sykes

___________

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
wife to go swimming.
-- Jimmy Carter

___________

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright

___________

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that,
who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-- Billy Connolly

___________

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was
sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell
she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

___________

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow.
I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
-- Tommy Cooper

___________

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find
out later she has money.
-- Bob Monkhouse

___________

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year
and a half.
-- Gracie Allen

___________

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx.

___________

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life ........unless
I buy something.
Jackie Mason

___________

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about
five minutes more.
Wilson Misner

___________

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.
Oscar Wilde

___________

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to
own one.
-- W.C. Fields

___________

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at
a cat one time...they're gone.
-- Lenny Bruce

___________

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many
women very happy?
-- Benny Hill

___________

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

___________

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-- Anonymous

___________

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

___________

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi

Marriage

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

What's new? Most of my wife.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Quickies

At weddings old aunts usd to tease me saying "You are next, you are next."
But they stoppd it since I started doin the same to them at funerals...!!

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Eve to Adam: Do you love me?
Adam nonchalantly: Who else?

I'm an athiest, Thanks God.

I was an atheist untill i realized I am god..

There's one thing i like about babies..
making them!!

a man when asked "Do you talk to your wife after sex?" answered "Depends, if I can find a phone"

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

wife - u were so drunk last night that u insulted ur boss
husband - piss him
wife - u did that and he fired u
husband - fuck him
wife - i did that! and you can go to work from tomorrow

what does mallika sherawat do first thing in the morning?
she goes home.

One liners

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an jerk.

Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Losing a girlfriend can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.

Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time!

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

I love your outfit, does it come in your size?

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Computers are there from Bibilical times. Proof ?!! Eve had an Apple.

Make crime pay, become a lawyer.

As a matter of fact, I do own the road.

I'm looking for the right pedestrian to run over.

So many pedestrians. So little time!

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

Sardars

People from america, europe etc think blondes have no intelligence and have jokes about that fact..... here in india we think sardars/punjabi-s dont have intelligence and we have jokes about that...... even sardars enjoy them......

i may send some jokes about sardars where u r supposed to assume the above fact......


What is the height of stupidity? - two sardars sitting on a motorcycle & fighting for a window seat

_____

A Sardar had called an Englishman for lunch. There was curd on the table. The guest asked what is this? The Sardar didn't know proper English, he said "Milk sleeping in night, morning becomes tight"

_____

Did you hear about the sardarji who is so rich he has 2 swimming pools, 1 of which is always empty? It is for people who can't swim!

_____

A Sardar went to Kashmir officially and called to his house over phone.

A servant (also a sardar) had taken the receiver. Sardarji, Who is speaking?

Servant, its me Servant Sir.

Sardarji, Where is the Madam?

Servant, She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.

Sardarji, What? I am her husband came to kashmir today.

Servant, What can I do now sir?

Sardarji, Open the cub board, pick the Gun, shoot both of them, come back and tell me, Till then I am waiting in the line. After some time ... there comes 2 shooting sounds ... after that ...

Servant, Yes, I did Sir. But what can i do next Sir?

Sardarji, open the back door, throw both of them into the well

Servant, I can open the back door, but how can i throw both of them from this third floor into the well in the ground floor Sir?

Sardarji, What...? Are you in the third floor?

Servant, Yes Sir

Sardarji, sorry, wrong number !!!!!!!!

_____

Once Santa (sardar) got an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. Santa had never flown before and hence was quite excited although tense.

Once he boarded the plane, a BOEING 707, Santa started jumping in
excitement,jumping from seat to seat and shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!!
BOEING!!! BO....'.

He forgot all about the surroundings and the shouting reached the cock-pit.

Irritated by the sound, the Pilot came out and shouted 'BE SILENT! '.
There was a pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody was looking at the
Santa and the angry Pilot.

Santa stared at the Pilot in silence for a moment and the next moment
was shouting,
'OEING! OEING!! OEING!!! OE...'.

_____

Sardar had twins; he named them Tin & Martin.
Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.
again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again the same. disgusted Sardar named them TIRED
& RETIRED!

_____

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

_____

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

_____

What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.

_____

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

_____

Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r
others running?

_____

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

_____

Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was
not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary
Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!

_____

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant
it's already raining. Sardar: So what? Take an
umbrella and go.

_____

Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have
posted it....

_____

Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died
peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the
passengers in the car he was driving..

_____

Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local
sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still
digging for more..

_____

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

_____

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest
waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20
supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls?"

_____

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

_____

Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

_____

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as

women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!

_____

My friend has a fine watch dog.

At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

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An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt.

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A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'

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There was this case in the hospital's Intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a worldwide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off evil........ Just when the clock struck 11... Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

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Raj and Saj, now pilots are trying to land an airplane at Heathrow Airport.

They start descending and as they touch the ground Saj screams 'Oye Raj, the runway is ending...".

Raj swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, Saj screams again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...". Raj swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again...

During their fourth descent Raj says : "Look at those stupid Brits, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..", "I know" answers Saj, "But look how wide they made it...."

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"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardarji looked skyward and asked, "Where, Where?

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Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and Sardarji were sent to the outer space.
The ground control issues commands, "Rubi!"
"Woof!" (barking sound ) "Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!"
"Moti!" "Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!"
"Sardarji!" "Woof." "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"

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Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

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Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how he had fared. He replied, "Exam was okay, except for the past tense of 'think'. I thought, thought, thought and at last, I wrote 'thunk'!"

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A train suddenly deviated from the tracks and ran onto the nearby fields before returning on the tracks again. The passengers were horrified at this. At the
next railway station, the driver was caught and questioned. He was a sardar and explained that a man was standing on the tracks and he refused to budge.
The authorities asked him, "Sardarji, are you mad? Just to save one person, you put so many lives in danger. You should have overrun that person." The
sardar replied: "Exactly, that is what I was doing, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close."

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Sardar ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."