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Monday, May 15, 2006

One liners

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an jerk.

Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Losing a girlfriend can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.

Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time!

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

I love your outfit, does it come in your size?

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Computers are there from Bibilical times. Proof ?!! Eve had an Apple.

Make crime pay, become a lawyer.

As a matter of fact, I do own the road.

I'm looking for the right pedestrian to run over.

So many pedestrians. So little time!

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

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