Famous Quotes

"You know the world is different
when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the US of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the 3 most powerful men in America
are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colin'! Need I say more?"
- Chris Rock

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I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted
- George Best

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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Bertrand Russell

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Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the
richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben

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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I
stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips

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I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he
was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass
the salt.
-- Eric Sykes

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I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
wife to go swimming.
-- Jimmy Carter

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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright

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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that,
who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-- Billy Connolly

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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was
sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell
she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

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I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow.
I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
-- Tommy Cooper

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Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find
out later she has money.
-- Bob Monkhouse

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When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year
and a half.
-- Gracie Allen

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"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx.

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I have enough money to last me the rest of my life ........unless
I buy something.
Jackie Mason

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The amount of sleep required by the average person is about
five minutes more.
Wilson Misner

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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.
Oscar Wilde

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Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to
own one.
-- W.C. Fields

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Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at
a cat one time...they're gone.
-- Lenny Bruce

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Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many
women very happy?
-- Benny Hill

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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-- Anonymous

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi