2 Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some
fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he
thought for a moment. "You know," he said,
"I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put
them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
.that phrase . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well
be the solution."The next day, she brought her female
parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, the male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in
with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots
cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to
have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been
answered!"

Final Exam

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be Easy....
Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire?

Punctuation is important!

An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Actual Newspaper Ads

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AND THE BEST ONE:
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$1,000 or best offer.
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Wife knows everything...

Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road?

In the words of great personalities:

PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forgot.
BILL CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with THAT chicken.
EINSTEIN : Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
BUSH:- either the chicken is with us...or against us.
COLONEL SANDERS (of Kentucky Fried Chicks): I missed one?
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important papers and balance your checkbook.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
ANONYMOUS : To avoid the bird flu.
PINOCHIO : The chicken never crossed the road
MAHATMA GHANDI : It was a show of no-cooperation and non-violence
BRAD PITT : This is so obvious. To hit on the women standing on the other side of road.
COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HOMER SIMPSON : Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n
WARREN BUFFET : Because the chicken thought that by investing its time and energy and withstanding the risk of getting run down by traffic it could become famous.
DAVID BECKHAM : Because the chicken was playimg a football and goal was on other side of the road