Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Unusual funeral procession
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
What happened to her?"!
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Join the queue."
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
What happened to her?"!
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Join the queue."
Monday, May 15, 2006
Famous Quotes
"You know the world is different
when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the US of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the 3 most powerful men in America
are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colin'! Need I say more?"
- Chris Rock
___________
I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted
- George Best
___________
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Bertrand Russell
___________
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the
richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben
___________
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I
stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips
___________
I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he
was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass
the salt.
-- Eric Sykes
___________
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
wife to go swimming.
-- Jimmy Carter
___________
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright
___________
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that,
who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-- Billy Connolly
___________
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was
sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell
she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
___________
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow.
I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
-- Tommy Cooper
___________
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find
out later she has money.
-- Bob Monkhouse
___________
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year
and a half.
-- Gracie Allen
___________
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx.
___________
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life ........unless
I buy something.
Jackie Mason
___________
The amount of sleep required by the average person is about
five minutes more.
Wilson Misner
___________
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.
Oscar Wilde
___________
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to
own one.
-- W.C. Fields
___________
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at
a cat one time...they're gone.
-- Lenny Bruce
___________
Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many
women very happy?
-- Benny Hill
___________
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner
___________
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-- Anonymous
___________
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
___________
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi
when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the US of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the 3 most powerful men in America
are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colin'! Need I say more?"
- Chris Rock
___________
I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted
- George Best
___________
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Bertrand Russell
___________
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the
richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben
___________
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I
stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips
___________
I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he
was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass
the salt.
-- Eric Sykes
___________
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
wife to go swimming.
-- Jimmy Carter
___________
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright
___________
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that,
who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-- Billy Connolly
___________
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was
sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell
she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
___________
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow.
I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
-- Tommy Cooper
___________
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find
out later she has money.
-- Bob Monkhouse
___________
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year
and a half.
-- Gracie Allen
___________
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx.
___________
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life ........unless
I buy something.
Jackie Mason
___________
The amount of sleep required by the average person is about
five minutes more.
Wilson Misner
___________
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.
Oscar Wilde
___________
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to
own one.
-- W.C. Fields
___________
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at
a cat one time...they're gone.
-- Lenny Bruce
___________
Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many
women very happy?
-- Benny Hill
___________
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner
___________
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-- Anonymous
___________
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
___________
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi
Marriage
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks.
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
What's new? Most of my wife.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks.
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
What's new? Most of my wife.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)