One Liners

Best one liners from "Have Fun with English"

1. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
2. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
3. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
4. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
5. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
6. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
7. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
8. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
9. A day without sunshine is like, night.
10. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die.
12. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
13. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
14. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
15. Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Martian Duck Hunter

A Martian went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn't like Martians.


The game warden ordered the Martian to show his hunting license, and the Martian pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.


The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario.This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license,boy?"


The Martian reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.


The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"


The Martian reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?"


Again the Martian reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.


The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Martian "Just where the hell are you from?"


The Martian smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, " You tell me, you're the expert."

Hungry Vampires

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

Fishing Genie

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. one of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.

"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

Patrol in Iraq

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi
border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead
body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled
American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who
was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-
covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to
the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.
I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is
an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton
is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit
us."