Blair and Brown

Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said, "Gordon, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Brown.

"Well' said Blair "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub or other in one of those old villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside"

"Right PM" said Brown.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the wood" said Blair.

"Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord, "two pints of best it is, coming up"

Blair and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink.

The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the
adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with
crook.

He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath,
shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He
walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his
head and
went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds
came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Brown could stand it no longer and called the
barman over.

"Tell me" said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds come in and
look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?"

"Good Lord no," said the barman. "Its just that someone has told them
that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes".

Heaven is for everyone. A martian joke.

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and a martian, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The Martian then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the martian, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

Therefore don't ever underestimate a martian !!!

More Martian Jokes

MARTIAN ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Martian were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
first on the moon!" The Martian said, "So what? We're going to be the
first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other
and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll
burn up!" said the Russian.To which the Martian replied, "We're not
stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A martian was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it
on or off?"

FINALLY, THE MARTIAN JOKE TO END ALL MARTIAN JOKES!
A girl was visiting her martian friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The martian responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooo......," answered the martian. "They're watch dogs"

Two Martians

Two martians living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. One martian says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?" The other martian turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"

Martian at the doctor's office

A gorgeous young American goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor.
"Show me."The American took her finger, pushed on her left hand and screamed; then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said,
"You're not really an American, are you?""Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a Martian.""I thought so," the doctor said.
"Your finger is broken."