Punctuation is important!

An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Actual Newspaper Ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Better be a reward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything...

Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road?

In the words of great personalities:

PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forgot.
BILL CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with THAT chicken.
EINSTEIN : Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
BUSH:- either the chicken is with us...or against us.
COLONEL SANDERS (of Kentucky Fried Chicks): I missed one?
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important papers and balance your checkbook.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
ANONYMOUS : To avoid the bird flu.
PINOCHIO : The chicken never crossed the road
MAHATMA GHANDI : It was a show of no-cooperation and non-violence
BRAD PITT : This is so obvious. To hit on the women standing on the other side of road.
COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HOMER SIMPSON : Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n
WARREN BUFFET : Because the chicken thought that by investing its time and energy and withstanding the risk of getting run down by traffic it could become famous.
DAVID BECKHAM : Because the chicken was playimg a football and goal was on other side of the road

World Cup

A man had a great seat for the World Cup final.
As he sits down, he notices that there is a vacant seat between him and the
next guy.
He asks the guy if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the
World Cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
come with me, but she passed away a few days ago. This is the first World
Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married."
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find
someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head and answers: "No. They're all at the funeral..."

TV

While watching the basketball game on TV Monday night, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Some days I hate being married to a smart ass.