World Cup

A man had a great seat for the World Cup final.
As he sits down, he notices that there is a vacant seat between him and the
next guy.
He asks the guy if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the
World Cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
come with me, but she passed away a few days ago. This is the first World
Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married."
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find
someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head and answers: "No. They're all at the funeral..."

TV

While watching the basketball game on TV Monday night, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Some days I hate being married to a smart ass.

An Indian in America

An Indian migrated to America, and moved into an American neighborhood. His American neighbor went next door to wish him welcome. He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad.
"Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. Seeing this, he became angry and went up to the Indian man. "I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled in the Indian man's face.

The Indian man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."

Extra Service

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He had to get off on station that came up at 4 am. He asked the guy sitting opposite him on the train to wake him up at 4 am and gave him Rs 20 to do so. This guy was a barber, and felt that for Rs 20 the passenger deserved more service. So, when he fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off is beard! When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up,
and he went home. Reaching home he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. His wife said, " What's the matter?" He replied, "The cheat on the train has taken Rs 20 from me and has woken up someone else!!!"

The Happiest People in the World

Mario is drunk again, sniffing and spluttering in the bar. “For eighteen years, “he says to his friend Steve, “for eighteen years, me and my wife were the happiest people in the world!” “What happened then?” asks Steve. “Then,“ sobs Mario, “we met!”

The World's Most Expensive Barbie Doll

A guy walks into a toy shop and says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?" She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have:
Fashion Barbie for $11.95
Vacation Barbie for $11.95
Housewife Barbie for $11.95 and
Divorcee Barbie for $211.95!"
The guy asks in astonishment,"Why is "Divorcee Barbie so much? She looks the same to me." The assistant answers, "Well, sir, Divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's golf clubs, his Gold MasterCard, his yacht and his summer home."

A Mathematical Joke

Once, a constant and e raised to x (e^x) were going down a road, when they
spotted the derivative operator at a junction. The constant started
perspiring -- fully in tension. He said, "Oh ... the derivative
will convert me into zero".

e^x was cool, he said,"Ha! the derivative can't do anything to me, I am
e^x." So, in an overconfident manner, he went to the junction, while
constant stayed back.

e^x went there, and told the derivative, "I am e^x, you can't do
anything to me!"

The derivative replies back, "I'm not d/dx, I'm d/dy"